Since We Died Together by Larina Warnock

Since We Died Together

I.
October 1999

Since we died together
hours bend into minutes into seconds into
sterile white walls and sliding curtains
drawn across what happened and
what’s happening

what’s happening?
hours bend into minutes into seconds into
questions at what point do we
learn what any of this means and
does it mean anything

does it mean anything
that we were physically attached
for nine months and then
the connection ruptured
so we died together

so we died together and the only
thing I can think in the moments my eyes
can stay open through anemia and meds
is, “It must mean something.”
because you mean everything

II.
September 2006

Since we died together
I’ve often thought how clever
God must feel
every time He demonstrates
miracles are real. Seeing my boy
prove everyone wrong, seeing
him hold strong to hope and joy,
changed me, made me think maybe
that’s how I’m supposed to be,
since we died together.

III.
February 2009

Since we died together, I can see
things at the edges of time, your heart
and mine beating against the curtain
separating what might have been from
what should have been from
what cannot possibly be.
You have taught me to believe
every reality exists all at once. Every
month that passes, proof of miracles.

IV.
June 2011

Since we died together,
I do not understand how
you could leave this world
without me.

V.
October 2019

Since we died together, I tied myself
to you in a sort of forever
that never really existed. I understand that now,
even if I don’t know how
I came to that conclusion. The hardest
healing happens when you realize
you are healing; guilt encapsulates
every single feeling until one day
you see the personal journey behind
and in front of you, two truths
entwined in a sort of forever
like a door that cannot be closed
or a knot you can never untie.

by Larina Warnock

Twitter: @thedocnock

Editor’s Note: Giving birth is dangerous. Parenting a sick child is both joyous and difficult. Losing a child is devastating. This poem details this journey by entwining emotion with healing with understanding with knowledge.